The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
