i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
