apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
