Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
