I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
