Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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