You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
