think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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