I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
