Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
