I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
