I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It's shark week go big or go home
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
