You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
