i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
