No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
