I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
its liver damage thursday
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
