In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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