I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
