My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
