Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
