I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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