I'm going to jail i love you
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
