she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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