Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
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