Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize