Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
