We're like a lot better than the average bears
grandma shit on top of the toilet
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
