Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
When are your genitals available?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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