you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
