god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
