So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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