Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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