Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
