I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
