She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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