One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
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