Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
