im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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