Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
