3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
They are going to name an STD after you.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize