life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize