you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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