Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
