my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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