I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
