Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
