I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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