Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
