You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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