I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
