he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
