I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
