Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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