You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
