Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We left an ass print on the piano.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
