She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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