I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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