Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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