it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Randomize
