I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
