I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He kissed a someone with a penis
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
