he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
