I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
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