mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
