it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
