so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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