I am in a vortex of obligation.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
