4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
