I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
