this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
