The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
